I have decided, until I get the money and time to actually get diagnosed, that I am Bi Polar. I really have no other way to describe what has become a very frequent battle for me. I hope that by attempting to describe my battle, that I will not only help myself to overcome the challenges, but that my friends and acquaintances will be able to understand what is going through my head a little better. Knowledge is power after all.
It is weird, even for me, how quickly things can change with me. Thankfully, I have managed to get control over the more dangerous portion of my struggles. Suicidal thoughts have been a major problem for me for many years. I am not completely out of the woods yet, but I thankfully have been able to get a handle on how far I go. Only time can really tell if I can get complete control over it. I am positive that I can, It will just take some more time.
I will preface this next part by saying this. In the past, as in my entire life leading up to the last about 6 months, I have dealt with my attacks very poorly. I would just let it roll over me, and I wouldn't try to stop it, and just wallow in the misery of it. In the past 6 months, I have started, whenever I have an attack of any magnitude, to try and figure out what the trigger is, if there is one, and what I am feeling.
Tonight I had a mini break through of sorts. I started off today great. Life had some small hiccups, but I had a great day. Then, I was waiting for a friend to come and work out. It ended up that he showed up just in time for me to leave, because I had rehearsal. By the time I walked to the door, I was losing it, and the second I got in the car I lost it completely. I took me around 25 minutes to get myself under control, at least enough to go out in public without people asking who died. This has actually been a fairly typical example of what I have to deal with. Tonight, since I didn't know it was coming, and was all alone to deal with it, thankfully, I decided to really try and figure out what the heck was going on with me. I came to the following conclusions:
1. Since I began with the MTP, I have gained many great friends. In my head, my fantasy if you will, that meant that I wouldn't end up like I have in the past. Alone, bored, listening to other people tell of fantastic adventures. I have never been able to connect well people my own age, and so any time that happens, I seize it will all gusto.
2. In conjunction with that, I realized that each moment I get to spend with my new family, as they are really closer than just friends, is more precious to me than I can really put into words. Especially my guy friends. Those who know me know that I have never been very Masculine, nor man "Guy" friends, at least the Sports cars types.
3. My brain, when I have attacks, tells me all sorts of things, but mainly it drags up things that I see, and then shows me how it was the same in the past. I realized that I put a lot of stock into meetings, dates, appointments, and time with people. They represent to me he things that I have never felt that I had, and always wanted. A large group of friends that thought that I was cool enough to have around, to want to include me in things that they were doing. So every time that something goes wrong, a trip gets canceled, an event gets canceled, things happen that make it so thing just don't happen, My brain reverts back to a line of thinking like this. "you will never get what you want, because you can't change what is wrong with you. you will always be the same, second on the list, last on the mind. A permatag along." The diatribe begins, and just gets worse unless I stop it.
4. When I am disappointed about something, i am usually distracted enough to not check myself before it goes too far.
5. I don't like these times when I lose it. I am trying to work on becoming more of a masculine man, and these kind of incidents just serve to remind me how far I am from where I would like to be.
6. I hate feeling weak and powerless. it hurts me to think about how I don't have the control over myself that i want, that I feel too weak to do anything about it, cause the same things keep happening over and over again. I want to be able to control myself, to not these kind of things blow way out of proportion.
7.I hate that my brain can have this much power over me, even though I try to take control. I hate that there are some people who don;t seem to talk to me anymore about normal things, just when they are checking on how I am doing, and leaving it at that. I want so desperately to be what I would consider normal, without the problems that I feel make me less desirable to other, both as friends and otherwise.
8. I want to stop thinking that I am being left out, if I am not included in everything. I want to be, but, I find myself getting worked up if I even for a moment think that i am being left outside of the loop. Again, my brain goes into reverse mode.
9. There are a lot of times when my attacks happen, and I will share, usually through facebook, the state that I am in. I realized that I do this for two reasons. The first is so that I can be stopped form doing doing something stupid. At least I believe that there is someone who watches me, and tries to stop me from doing stupid things. Second is that I watch to see if the people that I most want to hear from will say or do something. I can say that many times, the best help for attacks has been a simple hug, and a kind word.
10. There area couple of people in my life that I really want to be with. Whatever the relationship may be (and for all of those who don;t fit into this category, you will never know, you have all been in it at one point or another), I crave time and attention from these people. Most of the time, it is because of how I feel when I am with them. They change me for the better, enable me to be something that I have never felt I have been able to be. With that being said, It makes the rejection, or seeming rejection, all the harder for me to process. This by far has been my greatest struggle, since most of the time, you can't tell people this information, because you don't want to either A. freak them out B. come off as needy or clingy or C.both. I am getting better at it, as time goes by, but it is still my greatest challenge. One that I will continue to work on with all my energy.
Crazy right? I know that I have a lot to deal with, and thankfully I have been blessed with some of the most patient friends in the world. I honestly believe that this is one of the reasons that God led me to the MTP. I have no doubt that the people that I have met since I started in the program, both in the program and out, are there to help me get myself under control. We all deal with our various problems, some better than others(me). But I, regardless of how low I get, can honestly say that I still have a ton of friends, even when it is hard to remember. I can honestly say that I would not be surprised that if these people had not come into my life, I would not still be here. They have literally saved my life on numerous occasions. I only hope that I can return the favor to them someday, little by little, to big by big. The moral of this particular story, besides hoping you can understand my head and motivations a bit better, is that though it still happens, I am getting better. It is a slow process for me, but I am using all of the tools that I have to make as much progress as I can. I thank you all for your patience and understanding, and for standing by me. Love.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A Lie Of The Mind
Part of me finds it ironic that the title and inspiration for this, my second post, would come from my Script Analysis class. Most of the time, I have a hard time focusing in that class, but this last week, I managed and actually got some real, life changing thoughts from it. First though, a recap of the last two months or so. Yes it has been two months, so bear with me.
I love the Musical Theatre Program at the University of Utah. We are working hard in school to prepare for auditions for Songs For A New World, the musical that we are doing in the spring, right before the showcase. The music is so fun and moving. I am going to enjoy this, and am working hard to be ready for them. We had those auditions this last Saturday, the 20th. It was a four hour ordeal, but we all managed brilliantly. We all had our flubs, I personally was dealing with throat issues the entire time, but I had my friends there to support me, and I them. We will know the results as early as tomorrow, but definitely by Wednesday of this week. We are all nervous to see what will happen, but I mainly an just excited to be working with such talented people.
Our class load has not eased up, and I am with some of the other who are struggling a bit to get everything done. I think we manage well, and help each other out as much as we can. We are all trying to balance personal lives with school, work, and other distractions. It is like having a second family. The ironic thing is that I see them more than my real family at times. They are just like me too, dealing with some of the same issues, having the hard times. I cannot describe how much these people mean to me, and how much they inspire and lift me to great heights. I do not doubt that were it not for them, I would not be here still. At the moment, they are one of my biggest rocks, and help me to continue on, even when life gets darker than you think you can handle. I will explain more about this later.
I have finally made it a habit of going to the gym Monday through Friday, and it is entirely due to my new friends Chance and Josh, who provide daily training, and motivation, since they are both athletes( which I am not), highly attractive( which I am working on), and toned( also something I am working on). I am really starting to see the results of the hard work. My legs are amazing, if I do say so myself. I have lost almost 30 pounds, four inches off my waist, and I keep going. It is extremely satisfying, and I hope to be around 200 pounds by Christmas, and hope to have the workings of abs by my birthday.
We got our first show, the MTP, in October. We performed with a company called Vox Lumier. They take silent films, in our case The Phantom of the Opera, compose music, and have live actors dance and sing while the film plays in the background. It was an awesome experience. The music was the most difficult I have ever seen, or performed, and we did it well. It was a fabulous experience, and a great honor.
Work wise, I finally completed all of my training, which is nice, cause I hated going to all of the trainings. Now they are done, and they have me closing the store two to three times a week now. It is nice, I am trying to be the cool boss that everyone likes, but gets the work done. I think I am succeeding, we shall see.
Dating was horrible for me up till Halloween. More very typical for me experiences of one date and then the lame excuses. I was really starting to get annoyed. Then on Halloween, I decided to go west coast dancing, which I haven't done in over a year. I got there late, after coming from a different party that I left once they started opening beer upside-down. I decided to stop by and check it out. I ended up getting in a fabulous waltz with my friend Lindsey, and as I was walking out the door, got stopped by this girl, who insisted that I dance with her before I left. I did. She was a great follow, and pretty as all get out. I was flattered that she had picked me out of the crowd, much less asked me to dance. I later found out her name was Heather. I ended up asking her to come see a ballet with me later that week, and I have been seeing her ever since. She is a smart, honest, and attractive girl, who helps me in many ways. She has been one of my biggest confidence boosters on many fronts. It will be interesting to see if it goes anywhere. I hope that it does, mainly due to the fact that she is the kind of girl I have been looking to date for a while. We shall see. I am doing my best to work on being a good partner in our relationship, and though I feel I fail gloriously sometimes, i am trying hard. What will happen will happen, but for now, things are good.
As far as performing goes, I am currently in rehearsals for Ebenizer Scrooge, a Christmas ballet that I have been a part of for three years now. This year I have a much bigger part. I am a shopkeeper in the opening and closing scene, as well as Fezziwig, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. I am very excited, cause I have fallen in love with Ballet, and look forward to putting some of my new knowledge into play on stage. I am also preparing for a second reading of my play, Pollifax. It should be an interesting evening. I am excited.
Personally, life has become a series of ups and downs. I am still relatively new at dealing with my depression. Each person deals differently, depending on how their personal attacks happen. For the sake of letting you into my head, here is what a typical attack consists of. It starts with a general feeling of blue. Sometimes it can be triggered by a comment of a friend or co worker, sometimes it just drops on you out of nowhere. Then the voices start. These voices normally sound like my voice, though sometimes in the worst of times they sound like my friends. This is where the title of this post and the play of which it refers to comes in. I will digress for just a moment.
In the play, The main character beats his wife severely, because he keeps having thoughts in his mind about her, the way she dresses, the things that she does, the places she goes. His mind tells him why she does these things, and in essence, lies to him. " oh, she is doing this cause she doesn't care for you. She is cheating on you, she doesn't love you, she wishes you were dead." In the end, he has to determine what is real and what is not.
The voices in my head, when I am in the midst of an attack, do the same thing. " You are no good. Your friends don't care about you, they just talk to you cause you are there. You aren't cool enough to invite you to do anything outside of school, where we have to be around you. You aren't talented enough to succeed. You aren't worth it to date. You are fat and ugly and always will be, no matter how hard you work. You have no reason to still be here. We wouldn't care if you were gone." The diatribe of lies strikes, and many times it presents evidence in my mind to support them. It gets really convincing, which is when I usually recognize that I am having an attack. It is a problem that I have always dealt with. I have always been an instigator. From the time that I started in school here in North Salt Lake, i have had to instigate a good majority of my social life. Most activities that I do with friends comes after I either invite them, or invite myself along. My brain preys on that now. I long to have the social life I imagined all of the people that I most wanted to be around, the kind where I had people inviting me to do things. I have always found things to do with people while I am in school, or work, or whatever. It has been when that ends, especially school, that I start to doubt my friends, especially the people that I want to hang out with. The lies that my brain tells me get more and more convincing, and that is what the battle turns out to be ninety percent of the time. A battle of lies versus the truth, perceived reality versus reality.
In the couple of months, I have been through the some of the toughest Depression attacks of my life. They have come at random times, some with triggers, and some without. There were many times when I just wanted it to end, I just wanted to be done with them, with the voices in my head, my own personal lies of the mind. There was even a time when I honestly considered suicide. Part of it is that I am trying desperately to find who I am, and what I am meant to do. Part of it is adjusting to friends, and what I want from them. Tragedy has reared its head in my life, and dealing with it has been a struggle. Part is dealing with my self-worth issues, which are deep, hard, and vicious. Part is also trying to get back to God, and dealing with that. Part is seeing people in my life that I see going down paths that I hate to see them go down, and feeling powerless to stop them.
Thankfully, I have new weapons in my arsenal. Part is my medications, though I think they don't do that much for me, just mainly taking the edge off. Part is getting back in touch with God, praying and reading my scriptures more. Part is my MTP family, who help me as I struggle by giving me a reason to keep going. Part is Heather, who has helped me start to see myself in a different light than I have been able to in the last year. She has helped me in dealing with some of my depression issues, whether she knows it or not. Part is Daniel and Jeff, who are some of my good friends. They have been a never-ending source of help, whether it be the fun lunches, the great stories, or the late night movies of great Canadian TV. Part is Josh and Chance, who are two of my best friends. They help me to feel like a regular guy, which I have never really felt before, especially with my interests. They help me to feel cool, like I actually belong. They are helping me to see the lies of my mind for what they are, lies, and are helping me to change my life for the better. Whether it be the late and long phone calls or chats on Facebook, or the numerous gym sessions, they have been there for me. I enjoy every minute that I spend with them, because of how I feel when I am with them, and I try to savor every second that I have with them. I feel invincible, like I can take the world. I feel my self-worth, and love to listen o their stories of success. I hope that I can be there for them as much as they are there for me. I work hard to be the kind of friend that they are to me. I hope that one day, I can succeed as well as they have.
So there is my life in a nut shell. I hope to be better with this in the future, but who knows, we shall see. Love you all, may you read this, and know me better man.
I love the Musical Theatre Program at the University of Utah. We are working hard in school to prepare for auditions for Songs For A New World, the musical that we are doing in the spring, right before the showcase. The music is so fun and moving. I am going to enjoy this, and am working hard to be ready for them. We had those auditions this last Saturday, the 20th. It was a four hour ordeal, but we all managed brilliantly. We all had our flubs, I personally was dealing with throat issues the entire time, but I had my friends there to support me, and I them. We will know the results as early as tomorrow, but definitely by Wednesday of this week. We are all nervous to see what will happen, but I mainly an just excited to be working with such talented people.
Our class load has not eased up, and I am with some of the other who are struggling a bit to get everything done. I think we manage well, and help each other out as much as we can. We are all trying to balance personal lives with school, work, and other distractions. It is like having a second family. The ironic thing is that I see them more than my real family at times. They are just like me too, dealing with some of the same issues, having the hard times. I cannot describe how much these people mean to me, and how much they inspire and lift me to great heights. I do not doubt that were it not for them, I would not be here still. At the moment, they are one of my biggest rocks, and help me to continue on, even when life gets darker than you think you can handle. I will explain more about this later.
I have finally made it a habit of going to the gym Monday through Friday, and it is entirely due to my new friends Chance and Josh, who provide daily training, and motivation, since they are both athletes( which I am not), highly attractive( which I am working on), and toned( also something I am working on). I am really starting to see the results of the hard work. My legs are amazing, if I do say so myself. I have lost almost 30 pounds, four inches off my waist, and I keep going. It is extremely satisfying, and I hope to be around 200 pounds by Christmas, and hope to have the workings of abs by my birthday.
We got our first show, the MTP, in October. We performed with a company called Vox Lumier. They take silent films, in our case The Phantom of the Opera, compose music, and have live actors dance and sing while the film plays in the background. It was an awesome experience. The music was the most difficult I have ever seen, or performed, and we did it well. It was a fabulous experience, and a great honor.
Work wise, I finally completed all of my training, which is nice, cause I hated going to all of the trainings. Now they are done, and they have me closing the store two to three times a week now. It is nice, I am trying to be the cool boss that everyone likes, but gets the work done. I think I am succeeding, we shall see.
Dating was horrible for me up till Halloween. More very typical for me experiences of one date and then the lame excuses. I was really starting to get annoyed. Then on Halloween, I decided to go west coast dancing, which I haven't done in over a year. I got there late, after coming from a different party that I left once they started opening beer upside-down. I decided to stop by and check it out. I ended up getting in a fabulous waltz with my friend Lindsey, and as I was walking out the door, got stopped by this girl, who insisted that I dance with her before I left. I did. She was a great follow, and pretty as all get out. I was flattered that she had picked me out of the crowd, much less asked me to dance. I later found out her name was Heather. I ended up asking her to come see a ballet with me later that week, and I have been seeing her ever since. She is a smart, honest, and attractive girl, who helps me in many ways. She has been one of my biggest confidence boosters on many fronts. It will be interesting to see if it goes anywhere. I hope that it does, mainly due to the fact that she is the kind of girl I have been looking to date for a while. We shall see. I am doing my best to work on being a good partner in our relationship, and though I feel I fail gloriously sometimes, i am trying hard. What will happen will happen, but for now, things are good.
As far as performing goes, I am currently in rehearsals for Ebenizer Scrooge, a Christmas ballet that I have been a part of for three years now. This year I have a much bigger part. I am a shopkeeper in the opening and closing scene, as well as Fezziwig, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. I am very excited, cause I have fallen in love with Ballet, and look forward to putting some of my new knowledge into play on stage. I am also preparing for a second reading of my play, Pollifax. It should be an interesting evening. I am excited.
Personally, life has become a series of ups and downs. I am still relatively new at dealing with my depression. Each person deals differently, depending on how their personal attacks happen. For the sake of letting you into my head, here is what a typical attack consists of. It starts with a general feeling of blue. Sometimes it can be triggered by a comment of a friend or co worker, sometimes it just drops on you out of nowhere. Then the voices start. These voices normally sound like my voice, though sometimes in the worst of times they sound like my friends. This is where the title of this post and the play of which it refers to comes in. I will digress for just a moment.
In the play, The main character beats his wife severely, because he keeps having thoughts in his mind about her, the way she dresses, the things that she does, the places she goes. His mind tells him why she does these things, and in essence, lies to him. " oh, she is doing this cause she doesn't care for you. She is cheating on you, she doesn't love you, she wishes you were dead." In the end, he has to determine what is real and what is not.
The voices in my head, when I am in the midst of an attack, do the same thing. " You are no good. Your friends don't care about you, they just talk to you cause you are there. You aren't cool enough to invite you to do anything outside of school, where we have to be around you. You aren't talented enough to succeed. You aren't worth it to date. You are fat and ugly and always will be, no matter how hard you work. You have no reason to still be here. We wouldn't care if you were gone." The diatribe of lies strikes, and many times it presents evidence in my mind to support them. It gets really convincing, which is when I usually recognize that I am having an attack. It is a problem that I have always dealt with. I have always been an instigator. From the time that I started in school here in North Salt Lake, i have had to instigate a good majority of my social life. Most activities that I do with friends comes after I either invite them, or invite myself along. My brain preys on that now. I long to have the social life I imagined all of the people that I most wanted to be around, the kind where I had people inviting me to do things. I have always found things to do with people while I am in school, or work, or whatever. It has been when that ends, especially school, that I start to doubt my friends, especially the people that I want to hang out with. The lies that my brain tells me get more and more convincing, and that is what the battle turns out to be ninety percent of the time. A battle of lies versus the truth, perceived reality versus reality.
In the couple of months, I have been through the some of the toughest Depression attacks of my life. They have come at random times, some with triggers, and some without. There were many times when I just wanted it to end, I just wanted to be done with them, with the voices in my head, my own personal lies of the mind. There was even a time when I honestly considered suicide. Part of it is that I am trying desperately to find who I am, and what I am meant to do. Part of it is adjusting to friends, and what I want from them. Tragedy has reared its head in my life, and dealing with it has been a struggle. Part is dealing with my self-worth issues, which are deep, hard, and vicious. Part is also trying to get back to God, and dealing with that. Part is seeing people in my life that I see going down paths that I hate to see them go down, and feeling powerless to stop them.
Thankfully, I have new weapons in my arsenal. Part is my medications, though I think they don't do that much for me, just mainly taking the edge off. Part is getting back in touch with God, praying and reading my scriptures more. Part is my MTP family, who help me as I struggle by giving me a reason to keep going. Part is Heather, who has helped me start to see myself in a different light than I have been able to in the last year. She has helped me in dealing with some of my depression issues, whether she knows it or not. Part is Daniel and Jeff, who are some of my good friends. They have been a never-ending source of help, whether it be the fun lunches, the great stories, or the late night movies of great Canadian TV. Part is Josh and Chance, who are two of my best friends. They help me to feel like a regular guy, which I have never really felt before, especially with my interests. They help me to feel cool, like I actually belong. They are helping me to see the lies of my mind for what they are, lies, and are helping me to change my life for the better. Whether it be the late and long phone calls or chats on Facebook, or the numerous gym sessions, they have been there for me. I enjoy every minute that I spend with them, because of how I feel when I am with them, and I try to savor every second that I have with them. I feel invincible, like I can take the world. I feel my self-worth, and love to listen o their stories of success. I hope that I can be there for them as much as they are there for me. I work hard to be the kind of friend that they are to me. I hope that one day, I can succeed as well as they have.
So there is my life in a nut shell. I hope to be better with this in the future, but who knows, we shall see. Love you all, may you read this, and know me better man.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Post #1: Hopefully, this is not a one time thing. :)
So this is my first attempt at this, so we shall see how it goes. I am going to attempt to use this blog to let everyone know a couple of things. 1; how the MTP at the University is evolving, going. 2: What my show life is, what shows I am doing and their progress. 3: How my personal life is going.
1. So the MTP, which I will refer to frequently, is the Musical Theatre Actor Training Program. I am in the Freshman class. The program has not been at the University of Utah for over 20 years, so it is a great blessing to be a part of it. I get to share my talents and learn and grow with 25 other extremely talented people, 13 girls and 12 guys. So far, We are taking Classes for Jazz Dance, Ballet, Singing, and Acting. I currently am also taking script analysis, which is a fun class. I have class Monday through Friday. We also are working out, most of us, everyday, so soreness is the name of the game at the moment. :) We have amazing instructors, and we are a very varied and talented bunch. We all had to sing for each other last week, and it was amazing to hear everyone. We are going to rock. We already have our first gig. We have been invited to do a performance with a group that tours around the country. They come to major theatres and show the silent movie Phantom of the Opera, on three large screens, while dancers perform onstage and they have a group, us, sing in Latin like a movie soundtrack. We are performing at Kingsbury Hall, which is a very well known theatre here in Salt Lake. We are very excited.
2. I just finished my first show, the Western Regional Premier of Hairspray, about two weeks ago. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I got to work with some incredibly talented people, actors, directors, and choreographers. I got to be a dancer on the Corny Collins show, my characters name was Troy, and I was also a lead vocalist for the Ensamble, which meant that I was not on stage for about 5 numbers in the show. I was very busy, but it was so much FUN!!! Now that it is over, I am getting ready for Phantom, plus I have an Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert coming up in two weeks. I don't think I will have a problem getting in, but in this business, who knows. :)
3. On a personal level, Life is okay. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Depression about 6 months ago. i have been slowly learning how to deal with it. It mostly manifests in extreme loneliness, which makes nights like these suck like none other. It is an interesting problem, Depression. Never underestimate the power of friendship and company, because sometimes they are the best medicine. I quit one of my two jobs, I worked at the Roof Restaurant till two weeks ago. I still keep my post at the University Bookstore, running the Post Office. I love it there. It is a great environment to be working in, and I am grateful to have it. In essence, I have changed my life completely in the last two months. I am working to bring my chaos of a life into balance. So far, I have not been successful at all, but with time I hope to succeed. Now to the fun stuff, i am in the midst of planning a series of wedding cakes for one of my sisters friends. it is going to be fun. :)
1. So the MTP, which I will refer to frequently, is the Musical Theatre Actor Training Program. I am in the Freshman class. The program has not been at the University of Utah for over 20 years, so it is a great blessing to be a part of it. I get to share my talents and learn and grow with 25 other extremely talented people, 13 girls and 12 guys. So far, We are taking Classes for Jazz Dance, Ballet, Singing, and Acting. I currently am also taking script analysis, which is a fun class. I have class Monday through Friday. We also are working out, most of us, everyday, so soreness is the name of the game at the moment. :) We have amazing instructors, and we are a very varied and talented bunch. We all had to sing for each other last week, and it was amazing to hear everyone. We are going to rock. We already have our first gig. We have been invited to do a performance with a group that tours around the country. They come to major theatres and show the silent movie Phantom of the Opera, on three large screens, while dancers perform onstage and they have a group, us, sing in Latin like a movie soundtrack. We are performing at Kingsbury Hall, which is a very well known theatre here in Salt Lake. We are very excited.
2. I just finished my first show, the Western Regional Premier of Hairspray, about two weeks ago. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I got to work with some incredibly talented people, actors, directors, and choreographers. I got to be a dancer on the Corny Collins show, my characters name was Troy, and I was also a lead vocalist for the Ensamble, which meant that I was not on stage for about 5 numbers in the show. I was very busy, but it was so much FUN!!! Now that it is over, I am getting ready for Phantom, plus I have an Audition for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert coming up in two weeks. I don't think I will have a problem getting in, but in this business, who knows. :)
3. On a personal level, Life is okay. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Depression about 6 months ago. i have been slowly learning how to deal with it. It mostly manifests in extreme loneliness, which makes nights like these suck like none other. It is an interesting problem, Depression. Never underestimate the power of friendship and company, because sometimes they are the best medicine. I quit one of my two jobs, I worked at the Roof Restaurant till two weeks ago. I still keep my post at the University Bookstore, running the Post Office. I love it there. It is a great environment to be working in, and I am grateful to have it. In essence, I have changed my life completely in the last two months. I am working to bring my chaos of a life into balance. So far, I have not been successful at all, but with time I hope to succeed. Now to the fun stuff, i am in the midst of planning a series of wedding cakes for one of my sisters friends. it is going to be fun. :)
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