I have decided, until I get the money and time to actually get diagnosed, that I am Bi Polar. I really have no other way to describe what has become a very frequent battle for me. I hope that by attempting to describe my battle, that I will not only help myself to overcome the challenges, but that my friends and acquaintances will be able to understand what is going through my head a little better. Knowledge is power after all.
It is weird, even for me, how quickly things can change with me. Thankfully, I have managed to get control over the more dangerous portion of my struggles. Suicidal thoughts have been a major problem for me for many years. I am not completely out of the woods yet, but I thankfully have been able to get a handle on how far I go. Only time can really tell if I can get complete control over it. I am positive that I can, It will just take some more time.
I will preface this next part by saying this. In the past, as in my entire life leading up to the last about 6 months, I have dealt with my attacks very poorly. I would just let it roll over me, and I wouldn't try to stop it, and just wallow in the misery of it. In the past 6 months, I have started, whenever I have an attack of any magnitude, to try and figure out what the trigger is, if there is one, and what I am feeling.
Tonight I had a mini break through of sorts. I started off today great. Life had some small hiccups, but I had a great day. Then, I was waiting for a friend to come and work out. It ended up that he showed up just in time for me to leave, because I had rehearsal. By the time I walked to the door, I was losing it, and the second I got in the car I lost it completely. I took me around 25 minutes to get myself under control, at least enough to go out in public without people asking who died. This has actually been a fairly typical example of what I have to deal with. Tonight, since I didn't know it was coming, and was all alone to deal with it, thankfully, I decided to really try and figure out what the heck was going on with me. I came to the following conclusions:
1. Since I began with the MTP, I have gained many great friends. In my head, my fantasy if you will, that meant that I wouldn't end up like I have in the past. Alone, bored, listening to other people tell of fantastic adventures. I have never been able to connect well people my own age, and so any time that happens, I seize it will all gusto.
2. In conjunction with that, I realized that each moment I get to spend with my new family, as they are really closer than just friends, is more precious to me than I can really put into words. Especially my guy friends. Those who know me know that I have never been very Masculine, nor man "Guy" friends, at least the Sports cars types.
3. My brain, when I have attacks, tells me all sorts of things, but mainly it drags up things that I see, and then shows me how it was the same in the past. I realized that I put a lot of stock into meetings, dates, appointments, and time with people. They represent to me he things that I have never felt that I had, and always wanted. A large group of friends that thought that I was cool enough to have around, to want to include me in things that they were doing. So every time that something goes wrong, a trip gets canceled, an event gets canceled, things happen that make it so thing just don't happen, My brain reverts back to a line of thinking like this. "you will never get what you want, because you can't change what is wrong with you. you will always be the same, second on the list, last on the mind. A permatag along." The diatribe begins, and just gets worse unless I stop it.
4. When I am disappointed about something, i am usually distracted enough to not check myself before it goes too far.
5. I don't like these times when I lose it. I am trying to work on becoming more of a masculine man, and these kind of incidents just serve to remind me how far I am from where I would like to be.
6. I hate feeling weak and powerless. it hurts me to think about how I don't have the control over myself that i want, that I feel too weak to do anything about it, cause the same things keep happening over and over again. I want to be able to control myself, to not these kind of things blow way out of proportion.
7.I hate that my brain can have this much power over me, even though I try to take control. I hate that there are some people who don;t seem to talk to me anymore about normal things, just when they are checking on how I am doing, and leaving it at that. I want so desperately to be what I would consider normal, without the problems that I feel make me less desirable to other, both as friends and otherwise.
8. I want to stop thinking that I am being left out, if I am not included in everything. I want to be, but, I find myself getting worked up if I even for a moment think that i am being left outside of the loop. Again, my brain goes into reverse mode.
9. There are a lot of times when my attacks happen, and I will share, usually through facebook, the state that I am in. I realized that I do this for two reasons. The first is so that I can be stopped form doing doing something stupid. At least I believe that there is someone who watches me, and tries to stop me from doing stupid things. Second is that I watch to see if the people that I most want to hear from will say or do something. I can say that many times, the best help for attacks has been a simple hug, and a kind word.
10. There area couple of people in my life that I really want to be with. Whatever the relationship may be (and for all of those who don;t fit into this category, you will never know, you have all been in it at one point or another), I crave time and attention from these people. Most of the time, it is because of how I feel when I am with them. They change me for the better, enable me to be something that I have never felt I have been able to be. With that being said, It makes the rejection, or seeming rejection, all the harder for me to process. This by far has been my greatest struggle, since most of the time, you can't tell people this information, because you don't want to either A. freak them out B. come off as needy or clingy or C.both. I am getting better at it, as time goes by, but it is still my greatest challenge. One that I will continue to work on with all my energy.
Crazy right? I know that I have a lot to deal with, and thankfully I have been blessed with some of the most patient friends in the world. I honestly believe that this is one of the reasons that God led me to the MTP. I have no doubt that the people that I have met since I started in the program, both in the program and out, are there to help me get myself under control. We all deal with our various problems, some better than others(me). But I, regardless of how low I get, can honestly say that I still have a ton of friends, even when it is hard to remember. I can honestly say that I would not be surprised that if these people had not come into my life, I would not still be here. They have literally saved my life on numerous occasions. I only hope that I can return the favor to them someday, little by little, to big by big. The moral of this particular story, besides hoping you can understand my head and motivations a bit better, is that though it still happens, I am getting better. It is a slow process for me, but I am using all of the tools that I have to make as much progress as I can. I thank you all for your patience and understanding, and for standing by me. Love.
