Epiphany

It certainly has been a while since I wrote one of these. I have lots to tell, and there will be multiple posts coming soon. However, a series of events, spanning a couple of months, have finally registered. I feel it is time to express what I have been thinking about. so here it goes. I precursor the following post with this: EVEN THOUGH THE CONTENTS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE, IT WAS NOT ALL NEGATIVE! This post is mainly to get out a culmination of events that have happened, and have had a profound and lasting effect on me in the last couple of months.

It starts back in June. Part 1: I am scheduled to go hang out with a friend, who is leaving to go out of town. Plans changed, as they often do. In this case, I had asked off from work two weeks in advance, and had been eagerly awaiting this last meeting. Turns out, the day before, this friend informs me, at a seprate get together that was originally not supposed to happen, that the plans we had were changed, and that he was doing something with someone else. It upset me, because I had been looking forward to this time together, had even gotten off work for it, and now wasn't going to happen. When this friend saw that I was upset, they commented that I am very inflexable, that people don't make plans with me in advance because I don't do well with changes. I get upset when things don't go according to plan, that i put too much stock in what people say.
Part 2: I was dealing with some intense personal issues, and turned to a friend that I trusted to confide in. i told this person of my struggles, my challenges. I was looking for someone to help me get through this particularly rough patch. Our conversation, due to very busy schedules on both of our parts kept getting pushed back. so I decided to air what I had been thinking on the subject, in a letter to this friend. I said a lot of things in that letter, things that I don't often share. I asked for guidance in dealing with some of my personal crisis. This friend took offense to some of the things that I said in this letter, things that never were intended to be offensive in any way. This friend wrote me back a short response, and then hadn't spoken to me since.
Part 3: While out one night with friends, we were discussing different topics on our way home. I had been having a rough week at that point, my medication had been making me a bit wacked, and so I was in a mood, admittedly. The subject of depression came up. This friend of mine, in the course of the conversation, says, "chronically depressed people just irritate me. They are one of my pet peeves."
Now, that is the basics of what is setting up what happened today that has given me much food for thought. More specific detail I will leave out, even though I don't think that the parties involved read this, better not to taint opinion, cause I still love all of these people.
So, if you didn't know, I had knee surgery this week, Monday to be exact. i felt great that first night, and went to my fraturnity house to help out with Rush Week, where we look for new recruits. Yesterday, Tuesday, I felt good in the morning, so I got up, got a ride to jazz class, where I observed, and stayed on campus for the most part of the day, helping again at rush that night. Then, today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ironic really. As i looked back, I wondered if I just didn't recognize this yesterday, which is entirely possible, but that yesterday i didn't have a need to see it. So we get to the end of Ballet Class today, where I was observing, and everyone leaves. I am still struggling to try and get my computer into my backpack. I finally give up, and call one of my classmates over to help me put it in. By the way, i have been using a wheelchair for the last day, cause the traveling I had to do for class and work has been too much on my arms to just do the crutches that I was given.
So i get my computer into my bag with the help of my classmate. I manage to get out the door. I ask if anyone is headed up to the Union building, cause I needed to get food. I hadn't eaten yet except for a piece of bread so I could take my pain pill, and I was feeling really weak. no one moved or responded. So i turned around, and headed up the elevator to the main lobby. I decided that food took the priority over much else, so started struggling up towards the union building. For those of you who dont know, the U of U campus is VERY hilly. i feel really bad for those people who have to use wheelchairs around campus all the time! I struggle for about 5 minutes before a couple of my friends form outside of school spot me, and volunteer to help. I make it up to the union, get my drink, and then start, again unhelped, down towards my next class. it is important to note that several of my 'classmates' have been either looking directly at me, or even spoken to me at this point. i get back down to my class at the performing arts building, sit through class. As class finishes, I ask again if anyone is going to the union building. I needed to go to the ATM up there, and I had only 30 minutes to do so, before I had to work. Not a word. i finally went and asked one of my classmates whether they could do it. They reluctently agreed, and spent the entire time talking about how they wish they could find someone else to do it, how it was hard, and they had other things to do. I make it up to the union building, get my stuff done, and head back to the store, again unhelped. i make it o work, and start. halfway through my shift, I hit a low. I had been on traveling a lot hat day, i hadn;t eaten in a couple of hours, and my pain pills had just kicked in, which usually make me sleepy. A friend comes by, sees me, and asks how I am. I reply that i am tired, but managing. This friend then implies that it was my own fault, because I had not rested as much as they thought I should have in the last couple of days, in rather snide tones.
Now, I take into account several things from this. First,i am on medication that is affecting my thinking processes to a degree. Second, I tried too much, and overtaxed myself. Third, i am stressed because of the time of year, and the fact that I moved out of my house the day before i had major surgery. Fourth, I just had major surgery that has left me in pain, and with extremely limited mobility. Fifth, i have been dealing with near constant pain for several months, and have not been able to do what I have wanted to do, professional wise, which has put me in a funk. That being said, after this morning, i realized that there was a common thread between these major events in my life over the past couple of months. I felt abandoned.
I think that today really put it into perspective, since I saw it up close and personal. In all of the times when my depression has acted up, all the times when i thought to give up, it was a mental game. Me against my brain. Today, however, was the first time when I was utterly helpless, and felt totally abandoned. It was not only that my head was telling me this crap, but i physically had no one to help me. I had been left on my own, among people that I have gotten close to, who know that I am struggling physically at the moment, and yet couldn't be bothered to offer any help. and when asked, made it seem like it was the last thing they wanted to do. I became a burden. I have often felt this way, especially in some of my relationships that I have formed this last year. Today hit me hard with what it actually felt like. Pardon my french, but i felt like a pile of worthless shit on wheels. I felt it deep, the sense of invisability, worthlessness. Did i not deserve help? Am i so unpopular, unliked, unknown that this is how it is to be? Did i bring it on myself, and everyone is just letting me get my punishment? Perhaps it hurt so much because I knew that if the situation was reversed, or if it was someone else in the chair, it wouldn't have happened. The entire situation would have changed. The question of people helping another would never have come up. it would have been handled, taken care of. I had quite a bit of time to ponder this today, as I wheeled around campus. As i thought on it, it brought back the previous memories. I realized that abandonment what what i had felt at each occasion. The first part was a slap in the face. I felt my respect had been abandoned. I was not important, my time and preparation didn't matter. I just needed to be more "fluid", regardless of what had been said or planned. Part 2 had me feeling abandoned by my friend because i had opened up, shown something from inside, and the it had been shattered by silence. in my quest to be understood, to gain new perspective, i had opened up, thrown out ideas, and gotten back a lead weight. Part three saw me reeling form another abandonment of trust. i had b=gone to this person before when i had struggled, and now suddenly found I couldn't anymore. I had been abandoned, because what I am was considered an annoyance, a peeve. how was i ever supposed to share, or go to this person again if I had problems, knowing what they were thinking?
As i thought on all of these things today, I worked hard to remember the positives, the good things that happened. i will tell those later.
But for now, here is hat I learned from myself today. First, i work hard everyday to see in people what they need, and how to help them. I know how i feel, sometimes multiple times a day, when it comes to stuff like this. i cannot live with myself thinking that someone close to me feels this way about themselves. I cannot be the person that doesn't nothing when i could do something. Second, I reinforced within myself to do better at helping others around me when they are struggling. and third, I will always take the time to push a wheelchair around campus. never again will i see another like me, and pass by. TO all those who have suffered because i didnothing, i larned my lesson. I have the brusied sides, hands, and arms to prove it.:)